I Did Something Stupid and Careless and Caused Another Major Back Attack
And how I healed myself in 18 hours of highly focused prayer, meditation, conscious breathing and self love.
THE DAWNING LIGHT NEWSLETTER # 53 Tuesday, March 7, 2023
Photo Credit: Nyima Fitzmaurice
A HISTORIC SNOW STORM with FOLKS AT HIGH ELEVATIONS NEEDING TO BE RESCUED
Snow is falling again in earnest this morning, coming down fast in huge white flakes that are rapidly covering everything in sight. It is just cold enough to keep it from becoming slush after landing on the ground as the snow steadily builds up over everything.
It is absolutely silent outside, without any vehicles going by on the usually busy country road that borders Still Mountain.
I heard snowplows working all night to clear snow from the state highway that runs on the overpass suspended high above the valley as I worked on last night’s editions of “The Dawning Light”.
It is as if we have been magically transported to Maine or Alaska, where snow falls all winter, rather than being in California where snow to this degree is truly historic.
I saw in the local news that several rescue attempts that were being made yesterday to find and save folks trapped in their vehicles on mountain roads at much higher elevations than us had to be abandoned as they could not get through. The rescue trucks hit drifts of snow 4 to 5 feet high covering the roads and had to turn back.
They are now bringing in special tracked snow crawlers and “Snow Cats” from other areas to try again today because our county does not have them as they have never been needed here before.
I am grateful that we were wise enough and had the funds to bring in all the provisions we need to make it through these intensely cold snow days.
I am warm and snug at the tiny desk forward aboard my tiny house next to a tiny window which gives me a good view of the falling snow. All is calm and peaceful as I sip freshly made espresso from the cup, feeling happy to be well again after my recent back attacks.
Photo Credit: Nyima Fitzmaurice
HOW I CAUSED A SECOND MAJOR BACK ATTACK
After the first one documented in yesterday’s “Dawning Light” story, just as I was feeling strong and healthy again, I did something really stupid that injured my back in the same place and triggered a second major back attack.
We had just come home from a full day of stocking up on provisions and taking care of business just before this round of storms swept in.
We do not have the usual big tank of delivered propane in the yard to supply this tiny house or the Meditation Center building, preferring the freedom of having our portable tanks filled at the cheapest source. We had gotten three of our biggest Propane tanks filled when we were provisioning, and brought them home on the back of our Four by Four truck.
Even though Ani had warned me NOT to try to unload them by myself, I felt so hale and hearty after recovering from the first back attack, I tried to take them off the truck without help anyway.
But again, I was in a state of hurry-up-and-get-it done and did not slow down, focus and pay attention to how I was doing it.
I manhandled one down and felt my back complain and…I will admit it…very stupidly tried for a second tank.
As I was trying to slide it off the truck, it was at an awkward angle and caused my back to go through a twisting motion as It came off.
Instantly, I felt an intense sharp pain, like being stabbed by a large spear, shoot through my back, triggering an even worse back attack than the first one.
I dropped the tank, hobbled up into the house and literally collapsed screaming on the floor.
Ani rushed to my side and helped me clamber up onto the couch in the main cabin of this ship as I writhed in agony, thinking to myself, that was really stupid!
Suddenly I was back to being an invalid after all the hours and days of working to heal myself from the first attack.
I was not pleased with myself, as the same wolves of fear and pain from the last attack appeared again to circle my consciousness, snarling and snapping at me.
We still had to make wood for two families who desperately needed it to heat their homes and I had been planning to work through the snow storm to get it done for them the following day. I felt like we couldn’t disappoint them, yet now my own ill considered actions had made it seem unlikely that could accomplish it.
After a while, Ani helped me make it down the hall to my bed, where I spent a long restless night praying, meditating, practicing mindful conscious breathing and self love techniques roiling on a sea of agony, unable to sleep as waves of pain washed over me again.
Photo Credit: Nyima Fitzmaurice
HOW I HEALED MYSELF IN 18 HOURS OF INTENSE INNER WORK
I worked this healing process so intensely over the 18 hours after injuring myself that I was able to get up by noon the next day, suit up in work clothes and with Ani’s absolutely essential help, made the two orders for the waiting families, who rushed over to pick up their wood as soon as it was ready.
One thing I have learned from all my years of meditation practice is how much we cause ourselves so much suffering by allowing and listening to our own mind’s nasty and ever negative self talk.
Even though it’s true, that all the overwhelming pain I was going through was caused by my own careless and thoughtless stupidity, I spoke to myself lovingly, as I would to any of my children who did something to hurt themselves.
I never, ever scold myself. I no longer allow my own mind to treat me like shit, to fault find, blame or criticize myself.
I understand that every mistake I make is an opportunity to learn something important, which can’t be learned other than being loving and forgiving towards myself. I always speak to myself as if I were still a little boy who needs love, affection and support.
Photo Credit: Nyima Fitzmaurice
The pain was less while we worked out in the snow storm to make wood for the families in need, but was still throbbing in the strained muscles of my back.
It has taken two nights and days of continuing prayer, meditation, conscious breathing and self love to get those muscles to relax more completely, so that now, the pain is just a shadow of what it was.
Still, this time I got the message loud and clear…take it easy, do the work needed thoughtfully and carefully, ask for help, take frequent breaks, do not hurry or stress and most importantly, do not push this wonderful body that I get to live in too far or past its limits.
I have no interest in causing round three of back attacks, thank you very much, but to let it heal until even the memory of having to endure so much pain is gone for good.
Image Credit: Still Mountain Meditation Center
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